After a busy day at work, today I chose to do some self-reflective practice and gave myself time to remember the raw emotion I was feeling after a person who had hurt me asked that we try to be friends.
This came as a shock and I was confused at the time. The emotions were like a man who had raped me and then tried to help me put my clothes back on. It was a complete shift in my worldview and I wanted to wait. I wanted to wait and see how I felt when the emotion subsided.
I could tell that he had rehearsed his apology and with a little provocation showed to me he had not learnt neither matured at all. Men much younger then him have established careers and goals, but he still appeared to be clowning around and so I was not sure if he was trustworthy.
The confusion here was maybe that was my resentment talking?
Then I realised it was not resentment, it was reason. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two very different things. I could only forgive if I felt I could trust him, if he showed he really wanted friendship, if I could respect him and those he has around him.
I had my suspicions that he was falsifying this image of ‘good’ and no doubt he was only apologising to try and help verify this image, like a person who pretends to be virtuous by connecting themselves to charitable organisations and yet actually contribute little to nothing.
They become vegan because they ‘care’ and use ‘we’ to imply they are a part of some benevolent structure when they have done absolutely nothing in their lives that could remotely amount to anything ethical.
It is why people who aim at creating this image are often passive-aggressive. I am supposed to like them. That is what all that hard work is for, right?
I also thought I should show mercy and forgiveness. Maybe it may prompt him to become a better person? In fact, was he not a bad person because he followed others? If that is so, then maybe if he followed me he could recognise just how liberating honesty and goodness could actually be, how strong the mind and knowledge is.
But how, when the people around him now are unimaginable? His claim that I could possibly be jealous of something so cruel exposed to me his delusions and I realised that there was no hope for him.
They are mindless atheists who glorify themselves over moral goodness, hard work and knowledge. After a post I saw today from his partner who promoted publically the nasty name-calling against God, I realised that there will never be a chance at all that I could possibly respect him with such people around him.
How can I when they are so judgemental? So as one who chooses God, chooses to be a good Christian, to be a good person, what would I be to such a person who publicly attacks people of faith? How can I possibly associate with such people, such moral pretenders?
How does that work though when Jesus stated: “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
Then I realised that I have. I have forgiven him because I have let go of the resentment I felt for his past behaviour. However, I feel no hope for him. Reconciliation can only be possible with trust. Trust can only be possible with respect.
I worked through the grief and I did not sweep it under the carpet. I was honest, the way that I choose to be all the time. I confronted it and now I am moving on.
Vanity is his idea of existence. So be it.
I am not strictly religious, non-denominational and I have good friends and an outdoorsy social life hiking and camping. I have ambitions. I have faith. Above all, I have principles.
After what I went through, how could I possibly trust him? I refuse to have such poison come back in my life and risk being hurt again.