Powerful Change In Me

Something is happening to me and I cannot fully grasp what I am feeling, a combination of exhilaration and depression, of intellectual maturity and madness all at the same time. I am at the very beginning stage of what I feel must be a transformation. A seed has been planted. I have decided that I will remove myself for the entire month of December, to patiently assess this change in solitude and silence, to fast and abstain and deeply re-think the course of my own trajectory and the meaning of my own existence.

After being caught for so long in my own subjective landscape, trapped by powerful emotions, self-pity and indulgence, I feel as though I am ready to courageously seek my ‘purpose’ and it was through my travels to Syria/Turkey that this was awakened. I was so overwhelmed by what I saw, the profound violence and hardship, people with cancer from chemical bombings, men without limbs, women and children burned, so much death, horror and misery. It was abysmal and I underestimated the impact seeing what I saw of the Syrian war would have on me.

In my anxiety, I gave away all my money, could not sleep, felt emotionally hopeless and despairing and that shows to me a short, sharp failure at doing what I should have been doing. It mirrored, for the first time, the meaning of my life because I realised I was not doing what I should have been for a very long time. The question is, what was it that I should be doing? I need time and self-reflection to answer that.

I am not talking about something simple. This is life. My actual life, the deep and profoundly existential responsibility I have to respecting it and I don’t think I really understand what that actually means to me. I have undermined this genuine question about the reality of my life and what it actually means. I need deep reflection. I will therefore be shutting down from 1st December – 10th January and escaping into solitude, the Henry David Thoreau way.

I only know myself as a human entity; the scene, so to speak, of thoughts and affections; and am sensible of a certain doubleness by which I can stand as remote from myself as from another. However intense my experience, I am conscious of the presence and criticism of a part of me, which, as it were, is not a part of me, but spectator, sharing no experience, but taking note of it; and that is no more I than it is you. When the play, it may be the tragedy, of life is over, the spectator goes his way. It was a kind of fiction, a work of the imagination only, so far as he was concerned. This doubleness may easily make us poor neighbors and friends sometimes.

3 thoughts on “Powerful Change In Me

    1. I fear that the worst part of me for a moment was tempted to withdraw back to ignorance simply because I can. I live in a place of peace and away from all that terror, but every inch of my conscience is telling me otherwise. I am strong enough, though, for the task that lies ahead and I thank you for your wisdom.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. In the face of humanity’s great suffering, one is indeed in need of silence and deep reflection to find our place in it all. I also question whether I’m doing enough to awaken others to the growing darkness that engulfs us, Earth’s most dominant species. This is why the poem, “Silent Warrior” by the indigenous Brazilian poet Marcia Wayna Kambeba has resonated so much with me. You can find the link to the complete poem on my blogpost of November 18th.
    Blessings, Sister ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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