I wanted to send a warm update that I am writing a book! It is incredible what I have managed to do the last two weeks as though the book was already written in my mind and I am simply just typing it out, and I have only just scratched the surface. I am writing about my new ethical system in similar vein to Henry David Thoreau when he left to find peace in the woods, but doing so while working and ultimately practicing a modern form of transcendentalism where I am in harmony with the chaos of this concrete jungle. I have learnt from my recent experience in Syria where all the horror I witnessed taught me that it was time to re-think my ethical system that allows me to be effective and helpful, but in a sustainable way and especially without losing myself in the process.
It also reminded me of the past, where I have been able to see myself in my reflections through others, both the good but especially the bad. I have spoken here of my father and my family, but also of the men who bullied and harassed me in my job that had a tremendous effect on me, so much so that I could not properly work for years from all the fear that I felt. I wanted that fear to finally end and make a decision about what long-term career I wanted to pursue. I confronted them recently to try and close that door, tired of the damage they caused to my confidence. Only one decided to respond.
Indeed, he apologised, but it was clear that his apology was rehearsed, and not practiced toward me but rather someone used to and thus comfortable with apologising. It was all coming a little too fast for me, I needed time to really think it through, but I felt something was wrong and could sense the possibility he was only apologising as a tool to reverse the situation and fault back to me, a skill those who gaslight often do to others. It then came out, the real him where he said “you are just jealous” to me, which immediately reminded me of his viciousness while at work. What exactly was I supposed to be jealous of, I thought to myself. That he sold drugs and did some decrepit activities with others? That he was a cowardly man who harassed and was cruel to kind person? That he followed the crowd and assumed that doing what was popular by the group meant some superiority over me? Read More